Organizing Couples

Spouses, Partners & Roommates

By Allison Carter

I strongly believe that many couples argue more over differences in organizing styles than about money or sex. Whether it’s clothes busting out of the closet, paper piles or inability to be on time, the lack of organization is often so frustrating to one or both partners, that they fight, blame, and often make the person they love the most feel bad about themselves. The more organized partner usually doesn’t know how to help the disorganized partner fix the problem areas.

Below are some of the strategies professional organizers use to help couples get organized. A professional organizer often helps the most by acting as a non-judgmental third party working to solve the problems, rather than pointing fingers.

Organized Spouse Helping Disorganized Spouse

1. Help your disorganized partner to purge by changing your voice and tone. Actually pretend to be someone else if you have to. In your most

non-judgmental way, ask:

• How is that item helping you? (or is it hurting you by taking up valuable space)

• When was the last time you used it? (1-2 years, then think about tossing it)

• How and when will you use it again in the future? (Be specific.)

• What would be the worst thing that would happen if you got rid of it?

2. Help organize papers with your partner by setting up 3 baskets or bins on a table.

Label the baskets: TO DO, TO GO, TO FILE

Read the mail together and show the disorganized partner how to sort into these piles so the papers can be processed. Help throw out junk mail.

3. Help your disorganized spouse by taking on more home management tasks that may be overwhelming.

4. Help your disorganized spouse develop a laundry or cleaning schedule and assist as much as possible until he/she gets into a rhythm.

5. If your spouse is disorganized and has refused to try to clean up

a. Seek marriage counseling for yourself so you can learn how to deal with this situation.

b. Let your partner know the level of disorganization is hurting your marriage because it causes many of your arguments.

c. Let your spouse know that you have trouble thinking and existing in a cluttered environment. Give him/her a “messy space” where the mess can live behind closed doors.

D. Realize that everyone has different challenges in life and this is just one kind of difficulty. Accept that it is not easy for everyone to be organized.

Disorganized Spouse Getting Help From Organized Spouse

1. Use your ears and eyes. Your partner has figured out organizing but may not be able to verbalize how to do it. Watch their style and see if you can apply the same principles in your own way.

2. Don’t act defensive. Be aware of your emotional hot buttons and try to turn it off when your spouse is doing his/her best to help.

3. Open yourself up to listen to new ideas. You may not like them all. Keep asking to brainstorm other solutions until one sounds like it might work for you.

4. Ask for help when you need it with household management tasks.  If you’re drowning or barely staying afloat, this is the person who loves you most and can help the most.

5. Evaluate whether your clutter causes the family to be stressed out more than necessary and decide if you should seek help from a professional organizer or a very organized friend.

Both Disorganized

1. Concentrate first on making a list of the things in life that are most important to you and prioritize them.

2. Create daily routines for everyday stuff like laundry, doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, paying bills and other chores. Decide who does what and when.

3. Hold each other accountable for doing each one’s part. Make a grown-up chore chart if needed. Be sure to reward yourselves with a special night out, bubble bath, or some other unclutterful reward.

4. Help each other purge regularly. Clean out closets together. Keep each other on task.

5. Open mail and process mail every day so that it doesn’t pile up and become a mountain.

6. Use your calendar and talk about activities weekly so you are in sync.

Allison Carter is a professional organizer specializing in family and home management strategies. She is also a speaker, writer, and mentor to new organizers.  http://www.theprofessionalorganizer.com.

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